|| I PROMISE NOT TO BE SO PROUD ||
Sometimes I think in blog posts. Isn't that silly? It's certainly silly sometimes, but then I assure myself, "No, you're thinking in 'I'd prefer to remember this time forever' moments." Some are extremely happy, some less so... but I look back at really poignant times in my life (finding a great group of friends in high-school, working at Cheddar's in college, traveling around London and LA) and I get so sad because I know there are wildly hilarious, charming, darling moments I can't now remember. A few pictures here and there, personal connections made from common experiences, but sometimes I long to look back just to see.
I'll interject by pointing out that I did have a blog in high school (thanks, LiveJournal!), and I did have a prolific Facebook page during college. But, ever the extremist, I did went through purging moments - "Delete everything digital! Scorch the earth! Kylie begins anew!" I regret nothing, but I miss some things.
Meghan recently went to Scarborough Faire, and I encouraged her to take pictures "because you'll forget when you're older!" Oh, she reassured me she remembers everything, and I had a very #mom moment of "Ah, you say that now! I don't remember jack!" I remember enough to wish I had more.
And sometimes I don't have pictures to put in a post. Isn't that silly? Not everything meaningful needs a picture sent through a filter. :)
Take pictures. Write things down. Use social media to memorialize small, beautiful moments and share them with people you care about. Get a blog/journal and don't worry about how often you write in them! I don't regret purging so many internet relics of my past, but sometimes I wish I hadn't of been so proud. (At the same time, I still have a hand-written journal from my college/post-college years, and I've held onto that thing for dear life.)
|| PRETTY IN PINK ||
When I was in junior high, I went to Blockbuster alot (yep! that place!) and started finding myself in movies. I got a $5 copy of "Pretty in Pink" on VHS, the only conceivable reason being that the cover looked appealing, and my mom let me get it. I don't know what specifically about that movie that I liked so much -- I was a weird kid but identifying with the weird kids/adults in that world seems too simplistic to me -- but I watched it alot. All the time. For years. I memorized it, almost wore out the damn tape, and it felt so homey to me. I just felt at home watching that movie, when I felt so strange uncomfortable in so many other places.
A few weeks ago, "Pretty in Pink" started playing on cable. For whatever reason one day Richard and I were laying in bed after a great afternoon nap, and we started watching it. And talking about it. And quoting along with it. How had we, John Hughes Nerds Extraordinaire, never talked about this movie in the 5 years we've known each other? For whatever reason, we hadn't. But I started to time-travel 15 years before when I was laying in my bed at home in Ennis after an afternoon nap, watching that movie, and I just couldn't believe where I was. In a king-size bed. In Richardson. With my husband. Watching that movie. Loving that movie together. It was just so wild and so beautiful to me. Life has such a funny way of coming full circle when you least expect it. And it's so beautiful.
|| I'VE GAINED WEIGHT ||
When I left Whole Foods in September, I immediately gained 10 pounds because I wasn't running around a brick-and-mortar store all damn day. (And I did run some days!) It was fine, because I needed so many new business-y clothes for my new real-estate adventure and didn't have much for winter. It was fine! Whatever! Next!
However, I did have alot of cute spring and summer clothes. Like, "Eee! So ready to wear this stuff!" I had a moment in March when I decided to try all of them on and... nightmare. Nothing fit. I mean, I could get into the clothes, but nothing fit right. I was so so so sad. Crying sad.
When you're really into clothes and fashion like I am, beautiful clothes aren't something easily replaceable. Clothes are your friends. You have multiple good memories in their company. You don't worry about taking pictures in them because how could you forget them? Some you have great times with, but you don't really miss when they're gone because you're a different person now. Sure, some you grow apart from, but the ones that are really important to you never really leave (ie, stay in your closet! to touch and feel and remember whenever you'd like!).
I couldn't fit into alot of my clothes I had wanted to fit in. I've turned over alot of garments in my day, but it's always been my choice. "The fabric is too tired." "It's not my look any more!" "I liked it but didn't love it."
It wasn't my choice this time, and it was hard. I didn't want to gain weight, it just happened. I changed careers and felt like all my friends (cute, expensive summer clothes) moved away without telling me. We didn't even get to say goodbye!
I'm not sad about the weight gain. I get nit-picky some days, but I feel really sexy and powerful in my fuller shape. I'm older, more experienced, a wife and step-mom, and I look like all those things I'm so proud to be. I'm still slim. I'm a "general size 6" instead of a "general size 4," who cares? My husband still makes me feel like the most beautiful woman that's ever existed.
It's just the clothes. I had beautiful pieces from Club Monaco, J. Crew, Anthropologie... and they weren't cheap! And I still wanted to wear them! And loosing the weight isn't in the cards for me. I know myself, and it would require alot of work. I'd rather buy new things and be happy, not obsessed with my waist-line. I know I'll have new things that will delight me. And I still feel beautiful. I just wasn't ready to move on from those clothes.
But it's going to be ok.
